FIVE Essentials for Cultivating Resilient Children

If you could go back in time and tell your parents or guardians what you really needed from them when you were a young child, what do you think you would say?

Would you tell them, “More dance/sports lessons, better grades, finer clothes, or more money?”

Could be; but from the perspective of your little, young, playful innocent self, are those requests what you truly would seek?

One bright, warm and breezy summer afternoon, I decided to mull this question over myself. I just needed to stop. Just stop. I felt overwhelmed while working on 3+ years of educational research and teachings, spread out on my office desk: notepads, notebooks, files, Power Points, books, etc. Enough. Nothing clicked for me. Concepts seemed too much, too abstract, too wordy, too complicated.

What parent or teacher has time for books, concepts, and academics?

Very few, if any.

Then it hit me.

As I walked out on to my deck to take a self-compassion break, I pulled up the apple red chair, sat underneath the ruffled blue and red umbrella, took three deep breaths and thought to myself, “Who is a better child expert than a child?”

I got down on her level, tenderly gazed in her blue green eyes and asked, “What would you have told Mommy and Daddy you needed from them?”

I decided to ask a child, my inner and little, yet wise, 5 year old self.  My adult self knew well, that my child self had suffered much repeated trauma in her five short years.  So I settled in my seat outside, closed my eyes, and approached my precious little girl self gently much like the soft warm breeze flowing over my summer skin.

I got down on her level, tenderly gazed in her blue green eyes and asked, “What would you have told Mommy and Daddy you needed from them?”

I was surprised by her quick, confident response.

“Know me.”

“Be with me.”

“Show me.”

“Support me…soothe me.”

That’s it! I couldn’t believe the simplicity, truth and wisdom in her few short words. We worked together that afternoon on each need from her perspective.

This world sure is different from being inside a warm, cozy, safe tummy. I need some tenderness and comfort when I feel upset, scared or sad.

Know Me: Know how I work. What my brain and body can and cannot do. Please stop expecting things from me I just cannot do yet. If you take the time to know how I work then I won’t be fussing and struggling with you so often.

Be With Me: Really be with me. Spend some time with me. I do not need as much time with you as you think I do. Play with me. I won’t have to scream and yell to get you to pay attention to me if you just spend some time with me. If I know you are there for me, I will feel safe and I can learn and grow better that way.

Show Me: Show me what you want me TO do. Show me how to calm down, get ready for school or do my homework. Stop telling me what you don’t want. I don’t know any other way if you don’t show me. Please show me what you want me to do, so I can learn and do it myself.

Support Me: Encourage me when I struggle. I don’t want to cooperate with you when you yell at me. I will bounce back better if you notice my frustration and help me practice what you want me to do.

Soothe Me: This world sure is different from being inside a warm, cozy, safe tummy. I need some tenderness and comfort when I feel upset, scared or sad. I don’t know what to do besides yell or cry when I feel upset. Please show me how to soothe myself when I feel upset feelings so I can learn to be kind and compassionate with myself and then bounce back more easily and handle my feelings on my own.

The next several months will focus on each of these needs. We will begin with “Know Me” next month.   Until then, here’s to conquering chaos with compassion and cultivating resilient children, families, homes and schools! I wish you well!