Kristy Arbon's HeartWorks

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Permission To Not Sleep

July 15, 2015 by Kristy Arbon

cc/flickr/Mislav Marohnić

cc/flickr/Mislav Marohnić

I love to sleep. I especially love being gradually less aware as I am moving toward sleep. As melatonin seeps into my system and my brain waves dial toward the theta rhythm, I enjoy a feeling that is like no other. I love to sleep.

It’s the attachment to this pleasurable experience that used to make me anxious about sleep. What if I don’t get enough sleep and I can’t perform at my best tomorrow? What if I fail and have to face the judgment of others? Anxiety over failing and losing connection with others pervaded my night time ritual. The prospect of facing the next day mentally unprepared terrorized me.

Then I started practicing mindful self-compassion. And I started experimenting with embarking on a day, here and there, without the benefit of a good night’s sleep. When I started doing a lot of travel for my work, I also started experimenting with jet lag and being prepared to let go of needing to know what timezone my body thought it was inhabiting.

My friend who frequents Buddhist monasteries in the UK, when asked what it’s like to make the pilgrimage to these centers of Dharma once a year, answers, “I get to be with coldness and lack of sleep.” The nuns and monks are encouraged to loosen their attachment to physical warmth or sleep: it’s part of their practice.

If I can let go of my dependence on the illusion of safety that comes with being fully awake and at the top of my game with each new day, something else unfolds. It has to. Feeling groggy and nauseous, knowing that my brain is swimming in the slow lane, I become acutely aware that I do not have control, that I must simply be with my experience. And the only way to be with my experience that does not create a sense of unease about being unprepared is to be kind to myself; to be self-compassionate.

First I bring mindfulness: “Oh, there’s grogginess and nausea.” Then I bring self-compassion: “My dear, it’s OK to feel groggy and nauseous. There’s where you’re at right now, and that’s where you should be. There’s no other way it should be right now.” And I use the opportunity to expect less of myself. I use the opportunity to let myself off the hook: “Of course you’re struggling to function. No need to push. It will be OK.” To help, I often share how I’m feeling with others around me. And we have a laugh about the shared human experience of the sleep-deprived.

It’s no wonder those nuns and monks seem so serene – they’re being with the experience of sleeplessness: mindfully, kindly.

As I give myself permission to be sleep-deprived, ironically, the ease I allow myself to go about the day with lends itself to a degree of focus and poise. The effort to just stay on track, without the burden of anxiety and expectations, moves me into a rather mindful way of being. It’s no wonder those nuns and monks seem so serene – they’re being with the experience of sleeplessness: mindfully, kindly.

Mindfulness and self-compassion aren’t only useful when I’m sleep-deprived; they’re useful when I’m in the grip of insomnia. When I find myself sleepless in the middle of the night, I know how unproductive it is to be angry with my experience. The angrier I am, the less likely I am to fall asleep. The more charged my emotions, the more cortisol and adrenaline courses through my system, guaranteeing wakefulness. Melatonin doesn’t stand a chance in that environment.

Using mindfulness and self-compassion tools, instead of resisting my experience, I acknowledge my disappointment and any fear of facing the new day unprepared. I acknowledge my sleeplessness, resist looking for ways to blame myself for being in that predicament and I take care of myself in my discomfort. Just like a mother taking care of her child who is sick with the flu, knowing that her caregiving will not make the flu go away, I take care of myself knowing that I might still not sleep. Sometimes sleep comes easily after that, and sometimes it does not, but at least I am soothing myself with oxytocin and opiates rather than jump starting myself with cortisol and adrenaline. If I can’t sleep, at least I can get closer to some kind of restful state, which will offer something of the rejuvenation of actual sleep. I can give myself permission to not sleep.

Mindfulness and self-compassion: as Kristin Neff once said, “It’s the new black; it goes with everything!”

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About Kristy Arbon

Founder of HeartWorks, creatrix of Somatic Self-Compassion and developer of Live Online Mindful Self-Compassion for the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, Kristy Arbon is an Australian living and loving in the US. After discovering the deep healing power of emergent self-wisdom and self-compassion in her own life, Kristy felt called to share these practices and trainings with others. She's since made it her life's work. "I teach so that I can learn, and I learn so that I can teach.”

Author's website
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Comments

  1. karen says

    March 4, 2016 at 2:57 am

    Hi Kristy, I keep going back to this post. I love the idea of being absolutely okay about where you are in the moment and having the sense that it is exactly where I should be. Thanks so much for this piece of writing and sharing.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      March 5, 2016 at 6:21 am

      Thanks so much for commenting, Karen! Glad the post resonates for you 🙂

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  2. Sharon says

    August 30, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    ????

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      August 31, 2016 at 8:35 am

      Glad you had a chance to read this, dear Sharon.

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  3. musingsfromanita says

    December 5, 2017 at 3:15 pm

    Very helpful Kristy.thanks very much

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      December 6, 2017 at 3:26 am

      Glad this resonated for you, Anita 🙂

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  4. Alberto Jarabo Martin says

    February 5, 2018 at 2:53 pm

    Very helpful Kristy. I wake up regurlarly in the middle of the night and frequently I feel tired next day. Your comments of self acceptance are just right for me. I will continue praticing!!

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      February 5, 2018 at 3:07 pm

      Great! So glad that information is helpful for you, dear Alberto. May your self-compassion practice flourish!

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Trackbacks

  1. Sleep is your #1 Self-Compassion Practice - Kristy Arbon's HeartWorks says:
    February 4, 2023 at 5:18 pm

    […] sleepless in the middle of the night and support ourself through tiredness during the day here. The part of our sleep cycle I want to talk about today is the bit about falling […]

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