Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash
So I’m sick. This is not my first rodeo so I started treating myself for adrenal fatigue and seasonal allergies then after 2 months of not getting better I finally went to the doctor. I said, “I have adrenal fatigue and seasonal allergies.” He said, “Well let’s start with the symptoms first before we make a diagnosis.” I listed my symptoms. He said, “Let’s support your adrenals and treat your allergies.” He also said, “Something else is going on and I don’t know what it is so let’s do some tests.” So I’m waiting on test results.
I blame my location – a brutally cold winter left me in mild depression for weeks on end, then because I live in one of the worst allergy locations in the US, winter lead straight into allergic spring. There are probably some other factors, but the seasons feel like the main culprit.
My sickness comes with symptoms that range from muscle weakness, poor coordination, and a need to rest for much of the day to headaches, sore eyes and itchy skin. Other than some of the painful symptoms, I’m not often hurting.
But I have been suffering.
I’ve gone from working around 50 hours a week to working 30 hours a week – and my work hours continue to go down each week. Fortunately my business has been able to withstand this decrease in work hours, but there’s a part of me that is terrified about this drop in capacity. It’s my inner critic. The critic is afraid that I won’t be able to support myself and that I’ll need to move back to Australia to be supported by my family and the social security system there. The critic tells me that I’m sick because of something I did wrong (but it’s not sure what).
I started to notice the inner critic when, despite being in reasonably good spirits, I started to feel a creeping sense of depression. Curious about this contrast between my moment-to-moment emotional experience and the depression that was creeping in, I soon saw that the depression was a friend of the inner critic’s. While the critic had been subtly informing me of its fears and my fault, it was starting to wear on me. My inability to work to full capacity was being criticized.
Probably because I’ve had a lot of time to practice, I saw the depression and it’s connection with the inner critic quite quickly. I have my eye on this process because my awareness is quite centered. If I am criticizing myself, then I’m not seeing myself. When we don’t feel seen, we don’t feel important. When we don’t feel important we’re not getting those little doses of serotonin that make us feel valuable. And when we don’t feel valuable we can move into depression.
When we move into depression we might “unsee” ourselves even more through distraction. Just before I sat down to write this, I wanted to eat cake as a way to distract myself to manage my down mood, but I knew that that would be another way to unsee myself. I decided to see myself by writing instead. I made a choice to validate my experience rather than invalidate it. I wanted to be seen rather than to feel unimportant and of no value. I might still have cake, but I want to have cake because I want to have cake, not because I want to run away from myself.
I have a daily question on my to-do list: “Am I using the opposite of self-compassion to run my self-compassion business?” What I’m checking in with here, on a daily basis, is where the inner critic is in relation to my motivation to run my business. Am I motivated from fear or love? It’s a dance, but love is the winning motivation more and more.
As I write this, I feel tremendously connected to my community – all of you who have walked with me, who have listened to me and have shared with me. I feel the depth of our connection in our common humanity experiences of love and fear. Thank you.
And so my practice deepens through this period of ill health. I have to work less, which means my inner critic will have more to say, which means I have more to practice with. “No mud, no lotus,” as Thich Nhat Hanh invites. I am learning to not abandon myself in the face of not meeting my very early learned expectations of hard work in exchange for approval. Hard work is how my brain learned to survive – my task now is to tenderly let her know that I won’t die if I don’t work hard.
I consider self-compassion to be my lifelong practice. When I no longer need self-compassion I’ll take up painting ensōs and growing orchids. Actually, maybe I can take those up earlier … maybe my business doesn’t actually need 50 hours per week from me. Maybe it’s only my inner critic that requires this. Maybe she’ll learn that it’s safe to paint and grow for some of the week.
- Lovingkindness for Ourselves (13 minutes) - November 17, 2021
- Lovingkindness for a Loved One (19 minutes) - November 10, 2021
- Soothing Touch and Self-Compassion Break (24 minutes) - November 3, 2021
- Affectionate Breathing (18 minutes) - October 27, 2021
- Arriving Meditation (9 minutes) - October 20, 2021
Dear fierce, fine and fabulous friend. May you be well and hearty before long!
You continue to inspire me even in the face of your illness. The most inspiring moments that I have witnessed from you are the times when you model awareness and compassion in real time with real life circumstances.
I have seen this in practice circle, on retreat, via video with IFS and now the inspiration continues with a modeling of how one might be aware, have a need and take an action to take care of oneself.
It’s the detail, the awareness and the honesty/authenticity that wows me. “I can be more aware, ” I think. I can bring compassion to this or that like Kristy does.
I wish you wellness and fulfillment dear one. You deserve this in so many ways.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for commenting, dear Mac. I’m glad we get to inspire each other on the path. And thank you for your well wishes. I’m glad we’re in community together.
Dear Kristy, Thank you for sharing your vulnerable self.
Here you are ill, and still you’re teaching and learning by living and suffering.
You model connectedness. I’m so honored to be part of your world.
I’m sending positive energy your way for healing on all levels.
Thanks for commenting, dear Catherine. And thanks for being in community with me where vulnerability is OK. Looking forward to seeing you soon 🙂
Dear Kristy, it touched me deeply what you are going through and the courage and honesty to be beside yourself with all the inner voices that they want to say something.
Thank you so much for sharing and allowing us to be beside you too.
May you be healthy
With love and appreciation
Grace
Thanks so much for your support and kindness, dear Grace. I’m very happy we are in community together. Much love, Kristy.
I feel your pain, Kristy! And share your experience with awful winter followed by ridiculous allergies. My inner critic also yells loudly when I need rest. I even catch myself asking my husband, “Do you still love me even though I’m sick/tired/sad?” Ugh. Hard work this life is, but your direction with self compassion practice has given me tools to build courage, strength and resilience. I wish for you joy.
Lovely to hear from you, dear Teresa. I’m sorry we share the seasonal suffering. It seems like a good resource, having your husband to validate your suffering – I think it’s valuable to know that we have these resources. I’m glad we’re on this self-compassion journey together, and that we get to gather tools along the way. Much love, Kristy.
I can so relate to all that being ill brings up. Suffering chronic illness myself, it sometimes feels like a constant, never ending experience of trauma, in the sense that you don’t know what you did to bring it on, you have no control over it, and are just along for the ride. I am very familiar with the shadow of depression it brings and the importance of self-compassion, especially during those times. Thank you for reminding me. <3
Thanks for being in community with me, dear Sheila. I feel glad that we both have some self-compassion tools to support us. Much love, Kristy.
Kristy
I am moved by this latest posting. And seeing the amazing community you have gathered around yourself.
I am so sorry that you’re ill. And yet happy for you that you have such a strong practice. Sending you much love and compassion and wishes for your health and well-being.
With great affection,
Lauri
Lovely to hear from you, dear Lauri. Thanks for connecting. I’m feeling your love and compassion 🙂 Much love, Kristy.
Dear Kristy, my lovely long lost antipodean pal. Thank you for such a beautifully written, poignant and painful piece. Sending you much love my friend, and looking forward to connecting in person in September. May you be well, soonest. Biggest hugs. x
Lovely to hear from you, dear one. Thanks for your kind words. Thinking about being with you in September makes me smile. See you then 🙂
Well this sure grabbed my attention! I have always been quite healthy and two months ago out of nowhere I developed a life threatening spinal cord infection. Boom!
Surgery, iv antibiotics, and 9 days in the hospital. I was in intense pain and could barely walk. All I can say is that it became a self compassion retreat for me. I had to let go of doing and producing because healing was all I had energy for.
Thankfully I found myself being very kind and gentle with myself…encouraging my small steps one moment at a time. It became a sweet sweet time for me.
And the lesson was so clear. It’s ok to be alive and find a pace that’s comfortable and actually joyful in its simplicity. Being compulsively “productive” and people pleasing is no longer sustainable for me. I feel so grateful for this lesson even though it came in a terrifying form, as I just as easily could have died or been paralyzed from this infection.
Your piece brought it all home for me. Yes grow the orchids. Leave time for that and for beautiful simple pleasures. Thanks for listening!
Wow! Joanne your comment is really powerful! Thanks so much for sharing. Your story is an inspiration. I love your invitation to “Yes grow the orchids” – something about that invitation from you really landed. Thank you.
Kristy, you have touched my heart with you frank and personal post. I am sending you loving kindness wishes to hopefully support you during this difficult time: may you be free and safe from all inner and outer harm; may you be happy and contented; may you be well and healthy to whatever degree possible; and may you live with joy and ease of well-being.
Your insight of the connection between your inner critic and creeping depression was particularly inspiring to me. Thank you for this sharing and modeling of being present to whatever arises.
Coke
Thanks for your kind words, dear Coke. I’m glad that the connection between the inner critic and depression felt inspiring. There’s so much to learn in the internal landscape! Happy to be in community with you, my friend.
Kristy
Thinking of you and sending you wishes for good health and care.
Rest deeply, allow yourself to be cradled and held in benevolent space.
Love and blessings
Thanks for your kind words, dear Ciara. I am finding myself resting deeply quite often 😉 This taking it easy thing is alright! Much love, Kristy.
Dear Kristy,
Reading this took me straight back to 5 years ago when you were my teacher on the MSC course in Adelaide. I had just drastically reduced my workload after a period of ill-health. Your meditation recordings were a source of comfort, and the course was life-changing. Now, further down my MSC journey, I am much better, have increased my work capacity again, in new ways, and I am full of gratitude for your part in this. May all that you have shared and given to us all support you now to rest and recover in a spacious way. Wishing you great love and compassion on your journey.
Julia
So lovely to hear from you, dear Julia. Thanks for reminding me of our time together in Adelaide. Wow – 5 years ago! And thanks for letting me know that you find comfort in my meditations. That makes me smile. Much love, Kristy.
I am sending you my heart thoughts. You give so much to all of us, rest dear one, rest …
Thank you, dear Laure. Happy to be in community with you. Looking forward to seeing you again soon. Love, Kristy.