I’ve been struggling with my leadership skills for about … I don’t know … all my life. A number of factors play into my problems with leadership. Perfectionism is the first one. My inner critic has set the bar crazy high for me, and then goes above her pay scale to shove that bar similarly skyward for others. I’ve been working on that one, deliberately giving us all a break from the critic and it has paid off in some ways. Self-compassion helps. Understanding legacy shame super helps.
Secondly, somehow I managed to be an overweight, middle-aged man in braces smoking a cigarette in the workplace in the 60s. He/I had an expectation that having the title “boss” meant that I never needed to explain myself and that other people would do what I asked without question. I wasn’t even alive in the 60s so I don’t know how he got into the equation. In any case, he’s semi-retired now and is having less and less to say.
But wait … there’s more…
After recently being reminded that I pretty much suck in middle management, I fell into a heap while my autocratic perfectionist inner critic beat me up. Then I got up again and got onto the internet to do some research. What the heck is going on? And why am I still having trouble with this bloody supervisor s**t?
Cue: deep breath, hand on heart, hitch up my petticoats and forge on …
I found a website that had a quiz on leadership skills and took it (love a good quiz). I was pleased to find that I had some leadership skills and qualities in spades: “self-confidence,” “providing a compelling vision of the future,” “motivating people to deliver the vision,” “being a good role model,” “providing support and stimulation” – all scored well. My self-esteem puffed up.
Emotional intelligence and managing performance
The skills and qualities that I flunked at were “emotional intelligence” and “managing performance effectively” and it sort of makes sense that the two go together. But my ego didn’t care that it made sense – it just hated to concede that there was something I wasn’t very good at.
Cue: deep breath, hand on heart, hitch up my petticoats and forge on …
I learned from the MindTools site that emotional intelligence is “the ability to recognize feelings – your own and those of others – and manage those emotions to create strong relationships.” Bummer. How did I get this far and still suck at emotional intelligence? I looked closer at the definition and parsed out the stuff that really resonated.
…in a workplace environment I feel like I’m sometimes missing part of the program. “What the hell just happened?” might be my mantra…
Recognizing my own feelings doesn’t seem to be the problem (my mindfulness and self-compassion practice help strengthen that skill) nor does empathic listening (as an introvert my listening skills are pretty good). However managing my own feelings and recognizing the feelings of others is a skill I am sometimes at a loss over when it comes time to have difficult conversations about work-related problems. My problem is that I feel a deep fear over disconnecting from the person I’m working with, and this fear prevents me from thinking creatively through a problem and staying connected with the person. Ironically enough, the fear of disconnection seems to cause me to preemptively disconnect to avoid the pain of disconnection. I don’t have much trouble in a classroom teaching environment where the interactions are brief and the roles are clear and separate, but in a workplace environment where there are ongoing relationships to foster and less clear role distinctions, I feel like I’m sometimes missing part of the program. “What the hell just happened?” might be my mantra for some workplace situations I’ve been where disconnection occurs.
I sometimes know when things are going pear-shaped and sometimes I don’t. On occasions, I can feel this creeping sense of dread and confusion during a feedback conversation where I need to tell someone that change is needed to address performance. I’m learning to notice this creeping sensation as a warning sign much like the robot in “Lost in Space” automatically announcing “Danger, Will Robinson!” I’m gradually learning what the danger is, and it’s the warning sign for shame, specifically shame over not performing. You can read more here.
A leadership skills development project
So along with exploring shame (my life-long project) I embark on a new project. There’s a bunch of stuff written about emotional intelligence, and Daniel Goleman has written about it the most. Great – I have two of his books (unread) in my library already. Projects 1 and 2 identified.
The MindTools site has a bunch of great information about emotional intelligence, and even has a framework for developing a learning plan to help with personal and professional development. I jumped in and started reading voraciously. Project 3 underway.
“For f**ks sake why are you not getting this s**t, Kristy?”
A brief internet search brought up Brené Brown’s CourageWorks site with, hello hello, a whole program for leaders called Daring Leadership| Leaders Rising (now incorporated into the Brave Leaders Inc. curriculum). I already had both her books (also unread), Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, so I paid my $150 and signed up for the online course. The very first chapter of Daring Greatly is about our culture of scarcity and how it leads to competition (light bulb moment). Project 4 underway.
Project 5 will be to develop enough discipline to not cram my schedule with new pretty shiny new things that squeeze out time for Projects 1 thru 4.
Project 6 will be to not be crushed under the weight of my inner critic who reminds me how much I suck at leadership.
Project 7 will be to not abandon myself because: “For f**ks sake why are you not getting this s**t, Kristy?”
And so our journey begins – me and my inner critic and my abandonment issues and my perfectionism and my longing to belong and my willingness to change and my yearning to learn and my resilience.
Ask me about it … please. I could do with as much companionship and support as I can get on this particular adventure. And please share your experiences of leadership and management – we could all do with a common humanity reality check and a OSHOH (oh shit, hand on heart) connection. The world needs up to step up as leaders who have done our own work!
- Lovingkindness for Ourselves (13 minutes) - November 17, 2021
- Lovingkindness for a Loved One (19 minutes) - November 10, 2021
- Soothing Touch and Self-Compassion Break (24 minutes) - November 3, 2021
- Affectionate Breathing (18 minutes) - October 27, 2021
- Arriving Meditation (9 minutes) - October 20, 2021
OSHOH gave me a good giggle! I have to say I got a little overwhelmed reading what all your projects are going to be. I appreciated all your links to even more I need to link to and find out more about. I then added those to all the projects I already have assigned to myself and I noted the sensations of anxiousness rise in my chest and then I said OSHOH. Just breathe Eileen and know all I have is today and what you need to do for your body is your physio exercises for your inflamed SI joint and your neck exercises for your pinched nerve … Babysit your grandson and give yourself a big hug for session 8 of the MSC class you just ran and folks really appreciated. And let Kristy know just how much she is appreciated for being her .
Eileen
OSHOH, I got overwhelmed reading about your overwhelm, dear Eileen. And then, I read, “Just breathe Eileen..” and I started to calm down (mindfulness). And then, “… what you need to do for your body…” and it reminded me of that most important task, and gave me perspective in the midst of the task list (self-kindness). And then “… grandson…” and “… give yourself a big hug…” gave me more feelings of kindness. And then “… let Kristy know jus know much she is appreciated for being her …” and I felt as if I wasn’t alone (common humanity) and I felt even more kindness. Thank you, dear Eileen. So appreciate you being in my circle of compassion!
Brilliant article. Just brilliant. I hope you’ll write more about your journey as bits of it start to fall into place.
I’m struggling to find a place for myself within my own organisation- I don’t want to be a leader, but I want to be taken seriously because I feel I have something valuable to contribute. I guess you can’t have one without the other. Unfortunatley, I feel that my worklplace makes it difficult to show leadership, purely because it is risk-averse. Despite investing in leadership courses at almost all levels, the culture here is that only certain types of leaders get traction. So I have decided to move on, but this still leaves many of these issues unanswered – especially with regards to the things I don’t to well or my expectations of others. Perhaps I need to do some of this work!
Really grateful for this post – I think it is just what I need.
Hello dear Melita. Thanks so much for posting. And I look forward to letting you know how my leadership journey unfolds. I take heart (and maybe you can too) in Brene Brown’s take on this – you don’t need to have the title of “leader” to be a leader. She talks about how she has sat with a group of CEOs and she didn’t see a real leader, while she’s sat with blue collar workers and saw leaders all around. I think that we can work toward being a leader, no matter what our actual job description is, and work toward being someone others can trust, rely on, and look to for guidance. I’d be happy knowing that other folks could rely on me, that they valued my input and that they asked me for some advice every now and then 🙂
Bravely frank post Kristy!
As I read through, I wondered what you would say if someone else posted this for your comment? Would you suggest they consider working on Project 7 simultaneously with any other projects, i.e. the MSC of gently cradling that bit of ourselves that is ‘not getting this’. Do we beat ourselves up for ‘failing’ and if so why? Is it unrealistic expectations, or other stuff, or …. You share with us superb resources and gentleness and steadiness – I look forward to hearing how you go turning those on for your own ‘projects’. Rather that getting or not getting something, maybe it will be an creative unfolding and rambling through many fields of learning and exploring, adapting and choosing, all the time learning new embraces and ‘cradling’.
The other thing I’ve learnt in the last couple of years is that if we’re stressing out about goals or knowledge or other stuff we’re not ‘getting’, and our b$%&*y inner critic is running havoc … then exploring ways to increasing our endorphins is a super lovely strategy – and apparently three good possibilities are –
1. laughing/comedy/playfulness
2. singing (I’ve recently joined a community singing group just for fun and it’s a weekly tonic!)
3. physical movement (something that absorbs your interest and takes your mind elsewhere) – can be as varied as chopping wood to dancing!
Go well dear Kristy! And like Melita, I hope you write more about this journey
🙂
LOVE the reminder to play, dear Ruth. And to be in our bodies. That’s something I could work on. I do a lot of work at the computer, which I love, with a lot of troubleshooting and creating and researching. I walk a lot – but I could play more! I could dance around the living room more. I could sing more. Thanks for the reminders!
And I agree that it’s a bit of a “stumble our way through” approach to working through parts of ourselves we’d like to mould. There’s a list-checker part of me that would love to just tick all these projects off, but in reality if I’m just still working on any of this a week after listing my projects it’s a win! Fortunately, I see that I am still working on much of this, so that makes me happy.
Thanks for contributing to this conversation. And thanks for being a part of the gang!
I’m curious about the fear you mention around giving feedback….it might be helpful to reflect on what is it that makes you anxious about it….is it worry what they will think about you?, or do you worry how they will cope? Is there any overidentification with the other or any unpleasant incidents from the past you recall linked to giving and receiving feedback, possibly linked to shame? It might be really interesting to discover what that fear is worried about and what it needs and wants from you. I am a teacher too and I love to encourage and also struggle with trying to deliver hard messages in a kind and honest way. I am finding the meditation for caregivers from the Msc really helpful in supporting me step back and get some perspective.
Hello dear Ciara
Thanks so much for commenting. Yes, my fear is that folks will think badly of me and that I’ll be rejected. It comes from childhood shame and fear of being kicked out of the tribe. Unfortunately I haven’t found the meditation for caregivers in the MSC program to be particularly helpful in this regard, but the material on shame has been very helpful.
All the best for your teaching.
Kristy.