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Starting a New Chapter with Backdraft

September 11, 2019 by Kristy Arbon

CC nube-sensei.deviantart

CC nube-sensei.deviantart

This article is updated from the original posted June 25, 2015.

I worked at the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies for five years. Each year that I was there, a fellow called Chris Germer came and taught a program called Mindful Self-Compassion in our Dharma Hall. Every year I saw this program coming up on our schedule, and thought, hmmmm, sounds interesting. It would have taken me 20 seconds to walk from my office to the Dharma Hall to attend this course, and I could have attended it on work time, but for four years, I managed to prioritize the endless task of taking care of emails rather than attending Chris’s Mindful Self-Compassion course.

A combination of my A-type personality, obsessiveness and perfectionism, and an increasing number of changes at the study center, left me, by the fifth year, a bit of a mess. I was finally desperate enough to go to Chris’s course.

So, as a manager at the center, I sat at the back of the Dharma Hall where escape would be easy and I could safely return to the comfort and familiarity of my emails. I was aware of my status as a representative of the study center and I wanted to keep things professional. As the weekend progressed and Chris dived further into the topic of self-compassion, challenging me to think differently toward myself, things started to get uncomfortable and I all but forgot what it meant to maintain a professional demeanor.

First, I got angry. Angry at Chris. He was talking about bringing kindness to our experience, warming up our conversation with ourselves, dropping the struggle. All I heard was a teacher setting me up to fail. I couldn’t do these things. Who was he to expect me to drop my defenses and start treating myself differently? I wouldn’t be able to do it, and I was angry about the contrast between what he was asking us to do and my abilities. I hate to fail.

I was also confused. Why was I having this strong emotion? I knew Chris and I liked him, and I understood him to be a gentle soul. Why was I getting so angry at this person? And why couldn’t I drop the fight, just do what he asked? What on earth was going on in my experience?

And then, after some time struggling with confusion and anger, a dam in my heart bust open and I began to cry.

And then, after some time struggling with confusion and anger, a dam in my heart burst open and I began to cry. Still confused, trying to not be too obvious about my unprofessional tears in the back of the Dharma Hall, I sat and sobbed silently … for the whole weekend.

I sobbed as I realized how unkind people had been to me and how unkind I had been to myself. I sobbed because it felt so tender to open up to the experience of kindness. I sobbed in grief over a lifetime of believing that my needs were not important, that my emotions were not valid, that I was not tough enough, that I was somehow defective. I sobbed because I knew in my heart that I was discovering a missing piece in my life – self-compassion.

I was experiencing backdraft – a term we talk about in Mindful Self-Compassion that can be a surprising and powerful response to experiencing compassion in a real, embodied way, maybe for the first time.

Backdraft is the visceral somatic awareness of the contrast between how we have been treated – by ourselves and others – and how we need to be treated to thrive and flourish. Backdraft is grief and anger over a personal story of consistently unmet needs, all the while having some sense that we deserved something better, and finally, suddenly discovering experientially that we were right all along. We were worthy all along; we just had no-one there to make the transaction for our inalienable right to belong.

Chris describes backdraft as the heart suddenly opening to the love it has needed for many years and allowing difficult emotions out in exchange, similar to the firefighting term that describes a contained fire that explodes out through a doorway when it suddenly gets more oxygen. He also describes it as being like our hands thawing when we come in from the cold – painful in the short term, but necessary for our health and comfort in the long term. Backdraft is part of the healing process.

Kristin Neff suggests that backdraft might occur because a person’s sense of self has been so invested in feeling inadequate this ‘worthless self’ fights for survival when it’s threatened. This notion fits in well with Internal Family Systems theory, where our internal psychological system is viewed as a group of parts, like a family. When one member of the family starts to do something different, it can cause a backlash from another part who was relying on maintaining the status quo for its existence, however maladaptive and clumsy that part might be. Our human systems are designed to survive, not be happy.

Paul Gilbert says that the attachment system (the development of our ability to bond with our caregivers) can act like a book, closing down at a particular time in a person’s life due to abuse or neglect. Experiencing compassion can open the book at the same place, causing someone to re-experience emotional distress from childhood.

Polyvagal theory suggests that when we finally come out of a shut-down/freeze response, maybe after a lifetime of being shut down, we move back through mobilization threat responses (fight and flight), feeling the anger and sadness we were unable to safely express in response to stress and trauma at the time it took place.

“Love reveals anything unlike itself.” Anon.

Love reveals anything unlike itself.

Backdraft, for many people, is a necessary part of the healing process. Only after we can let our bodies and minds have their experiences in response to our hurts, in whatever form that takes, can we then move on to the work of tending to our unmet needs. Holding backdraft is a compassion practice.

As for me, my experience of backdraft led me to a multitude of life changes, all in the service of giving myself what I need to thrive and flourish. Backdraft was the start of a new chapter.

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About Kristy Arbon

Founder of HeartWorks, creatrix of Somatic Self-Compassion and developer of Live Online Mindful Self-Compassion for the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, Kristy Arbon is an Australian living and loving in the US. After discovering the deep healing power of emergent self-wisdom and self-compassion in her own life, Kristy felt called to share these practices and trainings with others. She's since made it her life's work. "I teach so that I can learn, and I learn so that I can teach.”

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  • Lovingkindness for Ourselves (13 minutes) - November 17, 2021
  • Lovingkindness for a Loved One (19 minutes) - November 10, 2021
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  • Affectionate Breathing (18 minutes) - October 27, 2021
  • Arriving Meditation (9 minutes) - October 20, 2021
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Comments

  1. Sharon says

    June 26, 2015 at 10:05 am

    Thank you. Beautifully expressed and very helpful.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      June 26, 2015 at 11:20 am

      Thanks so much, Sharon! And thanks for commenting! It’s lovely to be reminded that you are “out there”!

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  2. Karen H. says

    June 29, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    A wonderful writing on backdraft! Thank you for sharing so authentically!

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      June 30, 2015 at 9:38 am

      Thank you so much, Karen. It can be such a tricky issue to get our heads around, but so useful to have conversations about. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.

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  3. Janet says

    June 30, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Personal sharing like this is so valuable. You have described it all so beautifully I feel as if I was there with you. Thank you so much, Kristy, for all that you are doing with your life, and for touching ours. Jx

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      June 30, 2015 at 4:43 pm

      Thank you so much Janet for joining us here. I agree that personal sharing is important if we are going to get a sense that we’re not alone. Glad the piece resonated for you.

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  4. Rianne says

    July 1, 2015 at 8:26 am

    thank you Kristy, for this open, vulnerable and powerful writing! I’ve just written a personal blog (in dutch) on what having the blues looks like and how Self-Compassion made me overcome it.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      July 1, 2015 at 8:50 am

      Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Rianne. And I’m so glad you are writing for a Dutch audience. I wish I could read your post, but unfortunately I don’t speak Dutch. Maybe we can link to each other’s sites.

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  5. Deirdre Fay says

    July 10, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Lovely writing, Kristy. Thank you for writing.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      July 10, 2015 at 6:34 pm

      Lovely to see you here, Deirdre. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  6. Suzie (Amelia) says

    February 20, 2016 at 8:25 am

    Deep gratitude to you, Kristy. I am currently in the CDP and this is “required” reading. I’ve already read it twice. Thank you for your personal contribution to the concept of backdraft. I am so moved.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      February 21, 2016 at 7:57 am

      Thanks so much for commenting, Suzie. And I’m so happy you’re doing CDP. How wonderful to be immersing yourself in this material with two beautiful women like Bal and Aimee!

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  7. Christine Schaefer says

    October 20, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    Wonderful article and reflection. Backdraft started for me prior to joining MSC online course and prompted me to join. The loud voice of, “You don’t need this,” was too loud after I read Kristen’s book. I decided not to listen to that voice and signed up for MSC online course. Thank you for your sharing.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      October 20, 2017 at 2:15 pm

      Hello dear Christine. Thanks so much for commenting! So glad you are getting into MSC and I’m so glad you heard that voice and moved forward with self-compassion anyway <3

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  8. BecomingrecoverED says

    June 4, 2019 at 7:17 pm

    This post resonated so deeply for me. Thank you for sharing your personal experience, naming it, and acknowledging backdraft as a common experience in the process of embracing self-compassion.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      June 5, 2019 at 9:18 am

      Thanks so much for commenting. I’m glad this article resonates for you. We are not alone in our experience of backdraft 😉

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  9. Melita Caulfield says

    September 12, 2019 at 7:10 am

    Beautifully written my friend. Thank you for sharing! x

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      September 12, 2019 at 2:19 pm

      Thanks for being in community with me, dear one <3

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  10. Teresa Waters says

    September 12, 2019 at 8:25 am

    AND I find that I experience backdraft more than once. That is, I ebb and flow with self-compassion – it isn’t linear. The difference is, with continued growth, I realize when I’m experiencing back draft more quickly, and can smile and say, “AH, I know what this is.” And I welcome it because I know I am learning more about myself and my relationships.

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    • Kristy Arbon says

      September 12, 2019 at 2:21 pm

      My experience has been similar, dear Teresa. The understanding piece is really big – when I know what’s going on and my experience is not such a mystery, I can bring in tools to manage what was previously an overwhelming and confusing experience 😉

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  1. Backdraft, and self-harm in therapy – Growing Into Myself says:
    February 4, 2020 at 3:59 am

    […] Starting a New Chapter with Backdraft […]

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